So I have been in a new relationship for a few months now. A woman I met back in March through the Heathers. Her name is Shel, she's 33, and she's from Detroit. She's staring at me so I won't write a lot but let's just say things are...intense. As in, she moved here two weeks ago from Detroit. As in, into my bedroom. She got a job, full time with benefits, so she's here to stay. I think she's going to be it for me.


I'm not sure how to start this post. It's not even about me. Except it is, because I finally have to face my feelings on what's going on.

Sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I sort of lost contact with my friend Brian. Nothing happened between us, life just got busy and we didn't have time for each other for a while. In January, I sort of realized I hadn't heard from him in a while, right around the same time Jess came home and said he hadn't come back to work after the holiday break. There had been some sort of accident at his other job, but that was all we knew. I don't even know who told them that, if it was Brian or if it was his mother's boyfriend, who he had just started living with. It's irrelevant. Cut to now. No one has heard from him since the holidays. His phone has been cut off. I've been kind of going crazy. He has some alcohol issues but before the holidays he had been going to AA and doing really well, but I remember the last time I saw him he said he had been doing some social drinking with friends. It was a red flag, but he refused to discuss it further. So Jess and I started discussing the possibilities. He got a DUI so he can't go anywhere, he's in jail, he's in the hospital for a DUI-related accident, all sort of stuff. In passing, I mentioned to my stepmom (who knows Brian's mom, since we were all at the Bakery together) that I had been really worried about him. She finally ran into his mom and found out that Brian hit a serious depressive slump and has been sitting in his basement drinking vodka and refusing to talk to anyone.

Well, then.

Here's the thing. I have my own history of depression (granted, I was barely a teenager) so I sort of get it. I'm not judging him, I realize it's a hormonal imbalance or something like that. But on the other hand, I am really angry. I would have done anything to help him, even staying away and letting him figure his stuff out. But no, I've been worrying about him constantly and calling his phone every other day in the hopes that it's been put back online. I finally figured out where he lives after driving around Brooktondale looking for his car. But if I did see him, what would I say? I'm not sure if I'd punch him or just burst into tears. Bursting into tears over it is actually what prompted this post. I just want him to know that I miss him terribly and love him very much, and I'll be here when he pulls though. Because I know he has to pull himself out of it, that realistically there's nothing I can do. He has to make the choice. I just wish I could help him.

This has been a rather depressing post, and I apologize. I've been struggling with this for a few days now, and I actually feel a little better now that I've written some of it down. I've been trying to cope with an irregular amount of stress lately and I don't think I'm doing very well. Though some friends brought mead back from Ireland and it was delicious, so I've been daydreaming about having Jess pick me up a bottle. I decided to take a few days off work in a couple weeks, to not talk to anyone and just sort some of my stuff out. I'm really looking forward to it.

Cannot Update.

I've been wanting to blog more lately, but I can't. Every time I sit down to write, I begin and then lose interest, or I don't have a good topic, or nothing comes out right. I want to remember this time of my life as clearly as possible, yet I can't seem to write about it. Things are so interesting right now! Work and family and personal life and sex and dear god it's all fascinating right now, and yet for the life of me I can't update anything. I've been having so much fun lately, and yet when I want to tell you all about it, I suddenly don't have words for it. I also have very little that I can put up on the internet right now. So many secrets right now, and yet...no drama. I've noticed that. There's no drama in my life. I work, I play, I live. I watch facebook/tumblr/media sites and feel disgusted by what I see being said. The more I see, the more I am glad I don't really have friends my age. It's so unnecessary! And public! And often, terribly petty. I enjoy the life I live and the lack of drama/immaturity I have in it. It's wonderful and I would not change it for all the money in England.


Recently, a change came about in my job that has really, well, fucked us over. This change was uncalled for and based off of personal prejudices rather than facts and common sense.

My store manager fired the pet care manager.

I know, sounds simple and not a big deal, right? Except, here's the thing. Not only was the PCM the most highly sought after fish/small animal expert in the area, but there are things she did that no one but the PCM can do. We recently lost our pet care lead, and before we replaced him, Shiny Headed Douchenozzle fired the PCM. So now the pet care team has no manager, no lead, and no other manager in the store who really has a clue about the program. There's only four of us. Derrick has no idea about anything in our section, and he is totally happy to keep it that way. When I asked him to help me treat a sick chinchilla, he told me afterwards that that was the first time he'd picked up an animal in the year he's worked here. He tells people that he can't sell small animals, because "we hire other people to do that." Derrick, the slimeball, who reports straight to the district manager before collecting any facts at all. Derrick, who smiles and treats us all as his chums, who plans to go on paternity leave with only 3 managers to run the store for him. Derrick, who one of the managers has decided to crucify with his own intestines over the "S" in PetSmart. I originally found that disgusting until I imagined the feeling of being rid of him. Then I offered to hold him while she bashes his head in.

I think that the idea is that we completely replace our management team. Derrick knows that we all know he's a useless piece of garbage, so he's getting rid of our leaders, hoping we'll follow. Honestly, I think that if any of us had other places to go, people would have walked out the same day he fired the PCM. But we can't. So we continue on, only listening to him because we have to. Not because he has semi-decent ideas for improving the store. Our numbers have dropped since we took him on as a store manager. Honestly, I am so angry about Derrick that I'm forgetting the point of this post: the PCM.

Our PCM is our basis of knowledge. No one knows even a tenth of what she does. She rallies us, and encourages teamwork and objective thinking. She was the one who fought for me to join pet care and get away from being a cashier. She trains us all every day and helps us grow as employees and pet owners. She identifies illnesses in animals before we notice anything is wrong. She tells the vet team, who are absolute fucking morons, what is wrong with the animals. Said vet team, by the way, is the reason the PCM was fired. Over absolute pettiness and backhanded intentions. I have had people call the store, ask for her, and when I say she isn't there I get hung up on. People thrive on her knowledge and friendliness. No question is too dumb or dull for her. She has the patience of a saint (usually). We need her. I don't say that lightly. But without her, our team is broken and obsolete. Without her, we have no lead, and no manager, and really no one to guide us at all.

The upside is telling heartbroken customers to go ask the shiny headed jackass where she is. Making him help with sick animals. Sending him customers with problems he can't solve, and then conveniently disappearing. Asking him questions and then doing my best to make him feel like the idiot he is when he doesn't know. He wants to be ignorant of pet care. He really does. I take that as an invitation.

It's taken me a week to stop shaking in anger each time I try to write this. I've been to her house, seen her a bunch of times. In all honesty, she's a personal friend and mentor (really, she's like my mom) in addition to being my boss and trainer and talking fish guide. I wish that that relationship wouldn't be so present when I try to explain how angry I am, but that's all people see. That's why here, I left it for last so that maybe whoever reads this would see how much of a professional loss she is, before they realize how much I miss my friend. It's nice to no longer have to hide my friendship with her at work, since corporate law says no fraternizing with coworkers outside of work. Because that rule is...I don't even have a word for it. "Nobody cares." A word for that!

Also, I've been listening to Jenna Marbles' video for Pipe the Fuck Down, so now I am laughing and feeling a lot less angry. Also that I should carve in Derrick's car: "Pipe. The Fuck. Down."

Thankful Pt. 2

Heather (my awesome boss) pointed out something that my previous list was lacking.

21. Not having to say "President Romney" for at least the next 4 years!


20 Things I Am Thankful For
  1. My recent breakup being incredibly amicable
  2. Having a job I love to go to every day, that did not make me work on Thanksgiving. (I volunteered.)
  3. My best friend, who is the most fabulous human being I have ever met.
  4. Having free heat, so that I may keep my apartment at 80 degrees all winter.
  5. My spiders. They make life interesting!
  6. Loose pet policy that allows me to bring home a baby bearded dragon tomorrow.
  7. My new car that runs everyday without complaint.
  8. Having a driver's license!!
  9. My family is crazy but supportive of me, and that is such a blessing.
  10. Dar de Dar and all the joy he brings.
  11. Jess, and her ability to keep our friendship alive no matter what.
  12. Gay men. They make life so much better in so many ways.
  13. Being able to choose my friends, and being able to see when a friendship has lost its spark (or has the potential for one!)
  14. My level-headedness has gotten me so far in both work and personal life. I would not be in my position without it.
  15. Living in a town that is so rainbow-friendly.
  16. My personal abilities that we won't discuss.
  17. People who love animals as much as I do, who want to do right by them. I appreciate them every day!
  18. My stepfather's Fragrant Chicken, which is what makes Thanksgiving worth the effort.
  19. Arkan and all of his fluffiness.
  20. Boobs. Mine, yours, and all the bouncing ones I see on the street.


It has been four years since I first joined tumblr. In regards to my last post and the Facebook thing, tumblr is where thousands of queer youth can come together (online) and connect on all different levels. I've made friends, hookups, even a girlfriend, as well as hundreds of acquaintances through writing about my experiences as a young queer woman.  On tumblr, we are ALL friends and we are ALL in this together. No matter how bad things are or how confused you are, there's always someone on tumblr to stand by you. Since I've been with Jess I've been on it way less (I used to be seriously addicted), but I still lend a hand on the suicide forums or send kind words to people having hellish days. I love my gay community.

Rant, slightly.

I am angry about something, though I'm not entirely sure it's worth being angry about. It's going to make me write out my thoughts on a semi-controversial subject (in the Family, at least), so bear with me.

Jess is the second lesbian I've been with. All the others have been, and pardon my quotes (due to high school aged-ness at the time), "bisexual." That's the part I want to mull over later, but I want to get my annoyance out first. Anyway. My first girlfriend, the first girl I loved, recently had sex with a guy for the first time. Yay, right? Well, kind of. I'm glad she's enjoying boys, I'm not at all shocked in the least that she's with boys, but what really pisses me off is that she considers him the one to pop her cherry. To me, she took my virginity. And I thought I took hers. But apparently, sex with me doesn't count to her. Your virginity has to be taken by the opposite sex, hers had to be taken by a guy. Sex with her was so special for me, and hearing her talk about him taking her virginity makes me feel like all of my memories are false in some way.

I could go on and on about how this makes me want to scream, but it's not worth it. Let's move on to high school bisexuality.

Before I start this, let me say that these are incomplete thoughts, just me trying to put my jumbles down. Don't jump down my throat, spouting your GO BISEXUALITY crap. The Family is in this together, I believe in equality within the Family. Now let me ponder.

I think it's silly when people say they "believe" in gay marriage, or they "believe" in bisexuality. It's a real thing folks, gay marriage does, in fact, exist. Bisexuality is one of those topics that the Family doesn't like to discuss, because everyone has private thoughts about it but no one really wants to talk about it. Bisexuals are never trusted by lesbians, not sure of the stats with the gay men. I think college and high school ruins bisexuality for the older folks. Experimenting, right? People don't trust that the experimentation stage stops and it becomes more permanent (or not). Some lesbians are up front about hating bisexuals. Some say they are okay with it, but wouldn't date one. I'm with that group. I like being with another lesbian, though like everyone else, I couldn't tell you why. Maybe it's my past experiences with the bisexuals that forced me to feel like I could never trust one again.

But this, this virginity thing. This is where the bisexuality argument really comes in. You claim you're bisexual, but sleeping with girls doesn't count as virginity. If your door truly swings both ways, wouldn't it be that whoever you had sex with first, regardless of gender, would be the thief of your virginity? Or is it still so far embedded in our natures to be attracted to the opposite sex, that that's the only thing that really counts? It makes me feel...forgotten. Like an experiment!

This is the issue I have with young "bisexuals" to a T. You can say you like the same sex, date them, sleep with them, but when you aren't talking directly to them, they are almost a side thought. Like, yay I just had sex for the first time, hey didn't that one time count, no because this is the real deal. Is that the mindset?

I want to add a side note here. After Jess and I visited Trexx last month, I posted a Facebook status about how much fun we had and how I wish Ithaca had a gay club. A woman my mom knows, who I'm sort of friends with, wrote that she doesn't think that the gays should segregate themselves, it's not necessary, we're all the same. This woman is an older bisexual. I feel that because she wasn't young and gay, she doesn't see why Trexx was so magical to Jess and I (it wasn't the rainbows on EVERYTHING, oh no...). It was so great because young gay people can come find other gay people who are going through the same exciting and often terrifying experiences. It's community. People to date, people to be friends with due to a major similar interest. It's a main mindset, where everyone in a room can be on the same page. Jess and I don't know any young gay people because we have no way of meeting them. There's no hub here like there is in Syracuse. I found this woman's comment extremely frustrating because I feel that she has no clue what it's like to be young and gay and ALONE in the world. I could be wrong, of course. I don't know her history. But her belligerence added to my current irritation with that which we call bisexuality.

Okay, rant over. I think. I wonder what Ivy will think/say if she sees this. I didn't mean for this post to be bi-bashing. It's just things that run through my head, that I want to see and potentially hear feedback on.

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Gif. Gif. Look at that gif. It's moving all around ha ha gifs are so funny.

I love circles. By that, I am referencing an episode of the L Word. In most other ways, I'm not as big on them.

Riding in circles on a lunge line. No, thank you.
Drawing circles.
Hula hoops.
Condoms (well...)

Let's face it. Patterns in life can often be depicted with circles. We all know this - it's pretty basic. Before I continue my exhausted rant, let me share an image that sums up what I'm about to say.

See what I mean? See all those frigging circles?

I am so tired. This may not make sense tomorrow.

Anyway. I want to give a couple examples of circles I'm experiencing right now that can, frankly, suck my balls.

Work. I work with the women's team. Aka softlines. The executives are scared due to their lack of penisal inchery, so they ignore us and understaff us. When I came back this week, there had been 2 people in the team when we were receiving trucks the size we get at Christmas. So there were, no joke, 14 pallets of unbroken softlines boxes that were chilling on the sales floor that had to be taken out and pushed. 14.

So the execs notice we have 14 pallets saved up, give us a few extra people, and we wipe those pallets out.

And then they take those extra people away when the big trucks start coming in again.

And then they come over and are all

And we look over like,

And they're like, "Softlines is not that difficult. You should easily be able to take 8 pallets a day with two people, and finish in three hours."

So we're like,

And then we're like, wait a second, you did this. This is your fault. So

So let's face it. Everyone in this situation loses. Everyone, sales floor bitches and executives alike, are feeling pretty

Here's the deal. Everyone, tell me, who's unhappy with their jobs? Marriage? Family? Money? Come on, let's see those hands.

Very nice. Misery loves company.

Next order or business.

So I got an email from my ex a couple months ago. When I first saw it in my inbox, I was like

And then I read it, and it was more like

I felt a lot of things. Sadness. Astoundedness.



More anger.

But mostly, it was a lot of

So I enjoyed two bottles of alcohol. Jess came home and I was all

And she was all

And I took a minute, and then looked at her like

Since then Ivy and I have been talking and it's been great. We're really growing as friends, moving past what was. I've seen her, met her boyfriend, heard things about her sex life that I never ever wanted to know. I'm seeing her on Monday, I'm really excited. Although I'm afraid I'll be sitting there like

And she'll be like

and run away.

I wish it'd be all

But that's not realistic. And...close. And...are those the Jonas Brothers???

Anyway. More on that to come. I have to wake Jess and Ivy up now to show them my amazing work of blogatory art. I've been pissing myself with laughter over the gifs I had saved on my computer. I've finally put them to good use and it wasn't even on tumblr.

Also, if you don't recognize the name of this post, here. Educate yourself. And